5 Hard Truths About Step-mothering No One Tells You (Not Even Your Husband)
I learned all these 5 facts about step-mothering the hardest way I believed one could have gone through, but believe me or not, I am certain that out there; somewhere in the world, there are still more stepmothers who are learning in any harder ways. Let’s just make things easier for them by being nice and appreciating them just a little bit more. And yes! These 5 hard truths are not told by anyone because each family is uniquely and authentically individual and needless to say, they are not told even by your husband simply because they genuinely do not know what is coming up from this marriage and he certainly cannot warn you realistically because men and women have different ideas about so many things in life. So, here are the 5 hard truth.Be prepared with some tissue papers. You may need to wipe your tears or blow your nose by the time you meet the last sentence of this article.
#1 Sending Off Your Children to Someone They Call Mummy Is Heart-Trembling
I experienced this first hand as early as the 12th day of being a mother. When the entire house said that they would like to send one of them to the bus station to go back to their hometown, I jumped to the idea of joining them so that I know what is the normal procedure in doing so. Little did I know that even queuing up in the line to get the bus ticket itself was a heart-trembling experience. I felt like crying. It feels like I am sending off my child to someone else. I worried about the entire traveling he had to go through, the need for him to withstand the strong air-conditioner of the bus, the general safety and many other things mothers can relate to. I was myself surprised by the way I was reacting. To top that up, whatever I was feeling about letting him go was seem so irrelevant to be shared with anyone considering that I just joined the family, but Allah hold our hearts and naturally, there is so much love in a woman especially when one become a mother, simple thing like this does give you a teary moment.I had no say to stop him. Unlike myself, the mother has her own rights and the child himself can decide of what he wants to do with his life. So, there I was coping with the trembling heart, upholding a smiling face during an unforeseen event and juggling in between being a protective mother and understanding the clear line preset for me for being a stepmother.
#2 When That Someone They Call Mummy Come And Take All Her Children For Good, It is Really Tear-shading
After a quarter year blending into the family, I slowly begin to assimilate but not long after, I learned another lesson from what I really labeled in my visual-intelligence part of the brain as a tragedy. That was the day when I learned that the two step-children of mine were finally home after a week or two being with their biological mother, but this time, there was a little bit of twist of plot involved – the mother appeared and came to pick the youngest one from school. Oh goodness! I cried. It felt like a stranger was waiting to kidnap my child at school and I was made to stay at home to let it happened.
I could not sit still. I kept looking at the window hunting for the glimpse of my daughter. I wanted to see her coming home safe and not emotionally disturbed by the sudden appearance of her mother. But instead of expecting to see her emotionally disturbed, it turned out that I was the one left shocked and muted by the fact that my youngest daughter knocked at my door and told me that she was about to leave for a night to join her mother to meet her cousins somewhere out of town. I nodded and gave her a pat on the shoulder. As soon as the door was closed again, I began to shed silent tears.It was sad to know after so much time spent together, your child still have someone else she love more and that is undeniably; her mother. The mother who gives more than I think I had given and there is no way to prove that I had done more or better than the biological mother. No judges nor justice I can use to outlaw.
It felt sadder when I began to realise that I had raised my youngest daughter through both; her good and bad times. Through the time she enjoys a great laugh with me, to a private time of talking about feminine topics and falling asleep around my armpit, cuddling me when we had a jolly time and through her bad times like taking off her tooth, running her to school after realising that she was late and so much more quiet moments that mothers and daughters do when they are together.
Too bad the tears lasted till recently. Perhaps because from this first experience, I knew that the same feeling is repetitive and I have to bear with it whenever it pops in the future. To make things worse, this is one experience I cannot voice out to my husband. Not because I worry he will get mad about it, but because I think he will feel the hit even worse than I already had as he had risen the children single-handedly for the past four years. He surely felt it harder to see someone reaps the effort he had put in raising the children. Not that I am saying that the mother is not doing her duty, but because the children live with the father, surely he is the one doing the grinding works more.
#3 You May End Up Being Alone Even In Their Presence
I am not sure if this will happen to you if you are single parents with children from both of your previous marriages (meaning to say, both you and your husband have children from previous marriages); but as someone who came from a broken marriage without a child, I feel estranged at times being in a house where you know that the entire entity is a uniform; they are family. You are just an additional member they had accepted to join their very own bundle of joy. You are one whom with or without, actually gives little or no effect towards their lives.
Things get worse when all chores are left for you from the most complex to the simplest one, as simple as picking up any unsightly rubbish that accidentally dropped on the floor, wiping of the water from the table and putting things back in order. Just because I am an additional member and not someone you are biologically related to, I believe I should not be silently punished or crueled through their actions.
It is sad. This the point where I rely 100% on Allah to lead the way for me. I pray that I do not think of this too much so I can be patient and tawakal. May Allah ease this part by erasing the worry off my heart. Perhaps, this is just a temporary anxiety which over time will get better. Wallahualam.
#4 Suddenly The Topic of Having Your Own Child From The New Marriage Gives You A Totally New Game
Like many newly married couples, one of the things that we look ahead is surely raising a family of our own, but with the number of children you grow by just joining into the lives of one another, you may see the ball game changes altogether very differently from the way you wanted it. There is no more the urgency in making a family of your own. Instead, it is about putting things in place for everyone first before you. Then, come the adjustment to the house all of you are in and then only, the biggest question come in mind – do you need another member in the house?
Sadly, you may have to whisper to yourself that you may not be able to cope with an extra number despite the wishful thinking of having a baby from the new husband who had lifted you into the dream-come-true sort of happiness. That does not include the fact that the idea does not thrill any other family members in the house as they already had enough crowd. To top up to the teary truth, your partner may even agree with the rest of the house members that the current number of family members is ideal and that, an additional one can be delayed or be forgotten in total.
Soon, be ready to be asked about family planning, about why you seem to put pregnancy at bay and why you are not pregnant despite being extra fleshy from months before you tied the knot and what is actually you have in mind because your husband have a lot of children from his previous marriage and you were all the way single before and after the marriage. These and many more public expectations will slowly bog you down and tear you apart. Be ready to fall into helplessness and see your motherhood goes astray. It is hurting but you will learn to face it. Slowly, you will learn to eat those faces who give you their gibberish.
#5 There Is No Guarantee That You’ll Be Loved Back, but For Now, Just Give All You Can
Give and expect nothing in return – that’s the kindest thing to do and in fact we all must be like that. But face the fact, we are all humans. We want to be loved although too often we hit the wall. The least we can ask for is some affirmation that our love are felt and known of its existence. Being in a step-parenting marriage will hint you that for the children to say I love you is a tough task for them. They have a slight guilt trying to do so. I believe, it is due to the worry that they may love the step-mother more over time over their biological mother, or otherwise; thing can be as less complicated as it is just not their culture to say I love you. Well, there are people in this world who are happy yet living in a world where the phrase I love you is so foreign or forbidden. It’s okay. I am not changing their beliefs as much as it is not concerning the decay of religion and moral values.
However, in many cases of step-parenting, we are often seen as a figure who love the family lesser than any biological parents. It is unfair for the world to make us seen as less loving and incapable of being sincerely with care-giving. That is not true. In fact, we are the unsung heroes. We care for other people’s children just like ours and wanting all the good things to happen to the children as much as we want things to happen to us or our own children. The best about handling this is to just forget about getting back. It is beyond our control and totally not a promised germ. What is best to do is to give the best. With only giving the best will we have the chance to be thanked. And what else can you do – let Allah reward you.
Although these 5 and perhaps more are not warned, step-mothering is not a bad thing and it is not going to be the worst thing in your life when everyone in the family cooperates well. These 5 Hard Truths About Stepmothering No One Tells You (Not Even Your Husband) should not serve as a threat or a worrying piece of article for you. Instead, it should work as a guideline so that you can be prepared before entering the stepmotherhood phrase. It is not totally a bad experience, trust me. So long your respect the lives the children have before and after your marriage, insyaAllah, everyone will be capable to live life within their spaces and capacity. Allow everyone to uniquely grow in their own ways. From time to time, you will have your own ups and downs just like any other families and should you hit the lowest point of the ground, keep calm. Take time to stand on your feet again. Do not start any blame games. Work as one. Remember, united we stand, divided we fall. All families have their pace to grow. Good luck.
Got something to tell about your step-parenting or step-mothering experience? Feel free to drop your comments below.